Indigo Prophecy – I Prophecize That This Game Will Suck OH HEY I WAS RIGHT.

A long time ago, in a Steam sale in times unknown, I bought Indigo Prophecy for the price of a big mac. I did so on the counsel of the Something Awful forum goons, who said that the game was fantastic, and that for $2.49, it was a steal.

Bunch of fucktarded weeaboo neckbeards.

I had a few false starts with the game, I got through the first part about 5 times before I finally sat down and played the entire game in horrified silence.

So the protagonists are Lucas Kane, Carla Valenti, and Tyler Miles, and the game is set in New York City.

And I’m just gonna spoil the fuck out of the game, because either you’ve already played it or after your done reading this, you won’t want to.

At the opening of the game you play Lucas Kane, an IT tech at a bank who murders a random dude in the bathroom of a diner while under a influence of a mysterious hooded man who is controlling Kane from inside what looks like an Evanescence music video.

The game switches between Miles and Valenti, and a panicked Kane, who is trying to evade the police. Valenti is a Detective LT in the NYPD and Miles is the worst written Detective Sergeant in the NYPD. This is a beautiful mechanic completely wasted, because while it was brilliantly done, there was little real payoff to it, and I didn’t think there was enough of it.

In the first part of the game was amazing to me. Many thoughts ran though my mind. “Should I be trying harder to catch myself for this murder?” I decided I should be. I was through, I asked witnesses the questions real detectives would, I was having alot of fun.

So the game moved along, and it became readily apparent that Kane has the power to see into the immediate future. That’s cool, I guess. It’s in line with the whole demonic possession and ritual murder thing. Until you find out that the hooded man that possessed Kane and made him murder a dude was a MAYAN SORCERER! WHOaAaAa! FAR OUT DUDES!

So he contacts a blind spirtual medium who helps him recall the events at the diner. He gets a little info, and then goes home. His home is surrounded by cops there to arrest him for the murder of the dude in the diner. Kane isn’t going to take that shit, so he becomes Spider-Man and vaults busses and cop cars, jumps dozens of feet into the air, knocks out cops with his bare hands, and escapes by jumping onto a moving subway train. Seriously. That’s what happens. You learn in flashbacks that Kane got his magic powers when he was living on an Area-51 style air force base when he was a kid.

Now it turns out there is this kid named the Indigo Child that possesses a secret that will allow whoever hears it to control the world or some horseshit like that. Film at 11.

So the mayan sorcerer kidnaps Kane’s ex and trying to rescue her, and Kane gets killed. AND THEN HE COMES BACK TO LIFE AS A ZOMBIE OR A LICH OR SOMETHING! WHOOOOOOOOO! SPOOKY!

So Kane hooks up with a secret society called The Invisibles that is protecting the world. They maintain their secrecy by pretending to be homeless people. I’m not making this up. They figure out where the Indigo Child is, and Kane rescues her, BUT NOT BEFORE POWERING UP SSJ3GOKU STYLE AND FIGHTING THE MAYAN SORCERER DBZ-STYLE I AM SHITTING YOU NOT.

KA ME HA ME HA, MAYAN SORCERER-SAN!

This fighting sequence lasts like 15-20 minutes, or at least feels like it. And this is where the game lost me. So Kane crawls onto a filthy hobo matress and porks Valenti, which, I suppose, makes her a necrophiliac since Kane is dead.

I’m gonna take a moment to talk about Carla Valenti for a sec here, because I find her character unbelievable for one reason: she’s sucked miles of cock. “What?”, you might say. “That’s absurd.” Fine, let me explain. Carla has been on the force for 5-7 years, and she is 28 years old. She has no real friends outside of her gay neighbor and she is married to her job.

No fucking way she is a Lieutenant, much less a DETECTIVE-Lieutenant. In the NYPD, you either know someone, are hopelessly corrupt, or Elliot Ness reincarnated to get promoted to Detective-LT in 7 years. Or you’ve sucked miles of cock. Carla has no friends, so she didn’t know someone to get promoted. She is obviously not corrupt. And while she is very good at her job, she’s not good enough to get promoted -that- fast. And finally, consider how fast she jumped on Kane’s cock at the end of the game. Therefore, Occam’s Razor, she sucked miles of cock to get promoted. So from now on, every time time you look back on this character fondly, imagine her being double teamed by a pair of  sweaty, hairy, guido police captains.

Imagine these lips wrapped around a sweaty, hairy guido's 3 inch rod.

So yadda yadda, it turns out a bunch of different groups, for some reason, called [Insert Color] Clan, want the Indigo Child. These clans and Kane converge on the military base where Kane got his magic powers, Kane owns them, and it turns out that Carla is pregnant with his undead love child and the kid probably has magic powers too. Super fucking duper. The End.

I know I missed a bunch of shit in the storyline, but I hit all the relevant points. No I don’t care, fuck you. The end of the story in this game is completely indefensible because it revolves around the magic monolith in the military base and the increasingly unbelievable magic clans that want the Indigo Child. And the fucking DBZ fight.

I’m only hard on this game’s plot because I liked it. It had so much wasted potential, it could have been an occult story like Lovecraft, but instead they went “SyFy made-for-TV movie with it”. The gameplay wasn’t bad, except for some excessively long action sequences where fatigue started to set in, the voice acting was great, and Kane was a fantastic main character, even if he did manifest magic powers and come back from the dead, cheapening him. For all the bitching I do about Carla and Tyler, they are decent characters too. Up until the DBZ fight, I was with the story. It just puttered out in the end, turned completely insane, and became the most disappointing game I’ve ever played. It’s pretty bad when a bad ending to a game can wipe out all the fun you had for the previous 12 hours you played it, but this one did. Fuck you Indigo Prophecy.